If You Don't
by athousandsweetkisses
Summary: Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain...Three Valentine's Days in the lives of Mark and Maureen...MarkMaureen pairing
1. 1989

**Title:** If You Don't

**Author:** Megg

**Feedback: **is always greatly appreciated.

**Pairing:** Mark/Maureen

**Rating:** PG/PG-13...Roger has a mouth...

**Genre:** General

**Summary:** "Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain"

**Notes:** Entry for speedrent...didn't win anything and is, honestly, not what I would call my best work. Split into 3 chapters (4 counting lyrics) for easier reading.

**Special Thanks:** Everyone!

**Spoilers:** Um...if you've never seen RENT, I wouldn't read this...

**Warnings:** Swearing, lovies. And I totally messed with the timeline of April's sucide and when Mark and Maureen called it quits, so if you're canonpurist, don't read!

**Disclaimer:** Alright, hate to admit it, but I don't own RENT, or Jimmy Eat World, from who I stole the song lyrics for dialogue and title...the song is "If You Don't, Don't" and you'd best download it now, it's amazing.

* * *

1989

They broke up on Valentine's Day.

Somewhere deep inside, although he was still in some state of shock, Mark laughed at the irony of it all. He'd known all along that something was not quite right with their relationship, but still, he'd always thought that she'd loved him. No matter what she did or didn't do, he had thought that she _loved _him. Apparently, he was wrong.

He was going to propose to her that night. He'd known her since they were in middle school and been together since after he left Brown. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Not that his mother agreed. Or Roger, or April, or Collins, or Benny, for that matter. But he didn't care. He loved Maureen. And she loved him. That was all that mattered. Wasn't it?

She'd walked into the loft, late for the dinner he had made and smelling like someone else. "Sorry, pookie," she'd apologized brightly. "Auditions ran long. You know how they can be!"

"Yeah," he'd muttered to himself. "Yeah, I know. Auditions. Yeah."

"Something wrong?"

"No...no, nothing. Sit, eat. It's only lukewarm."

So they'd sat down and ate. And for awhile it was like old times. They talked and they laughed and Maureen forgot about the other men and so did Mark. And as he looked at her, he thought to himself, "Maybe if I can get her to settle down, with me...maybe things will always be this way." So he got down on one knee.

"Oh, pookie..." she'd cried when he'd opened the box. "Oh, pookie..."

"Would you mean this, please, if it happens?" he asked her.

"Oh...oh, baby...Marky...Mark, there's someone else."

"Someone...else?" he choaked.

"Yes. I've been seeing them for maybe a month or more." She at least had the decency to look ashamed. "I can't marry you, Pookie. I don't love you."

"You...you've been seeing him for a _month _and you couldn't tell me?"

"Pookie...her name is Joanne."

"Her?" Mark was sure that his entire world was tilting on it's axis. He couldn't seem to stay balenced and Maureen's face was spinning in front of him. "A...girl?"

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she stooped to kiss his cheek. "Maybe someday you can forgive me." And then she walked out the door.

He sat on the couch for awhile after she disappeared out the door, looking at the tiny ring in the box. His mind didn't seem to grasp the fact that she was, in fact, gone. He hoped she would walk through the door soon and tell him it had all been a joke.

Suddenly the door rolled open and April stormed in, Roger hot on her heels. "What the fuck is _wrong _with you!" He screamed at her. "Something's been wrong with you all night!"

"Nothing is _wrong _with me! Just...just leave me alone!" she yelled back and slammed the door to their room.

Roger left out a wordless groan/yell and then glared at Mark. "What the fuck are you looking at?" he snarled.

"Nothing," Mark answered, a little sadly. "I'm sure everything will be okay tomorrow." Then he got up and walked to his own room.

But the next day April was dead in the bathtub and Roger was HIV+ and nothing would ever be okay again.

* * *

Thoughts? 


	2. 1992

**Title:** If You Don't

**Author:** Megg

**Feedback: **is always greatly appreciated.

**Pairing:** Mark/Maureen

**Rating:** PG/PG-13...Roger has a mouth...

**Genre:** General

**Summary:** "Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain"

**Notes:** Entry for speedrent...didn't win anything and is, honestly, not what I would call my best work. Split into 3 chapters (4 counting lyrics) for easier reading.

**Special Thanks:** Everyone!

**Spoilers:** Um...if you've never seen RENT, I wouldn't read this...

**Warnings:** Swearing, lovies. And I totally messed with the timeline of April's sucide and when Mark and Maureen called it quits, so if you're canonpurist, don't read!

**Disclaimer:** Alright, hate to admit it, but I don't own RENT, or Jimmy Eat World, from who I stole the song lyrics for dialogue and title...the song is "If You Don't, Don't" and you'd best download it now, it's amazing.

* * *

1992 - Valentine's Day

Three years passed and although he hadn't been sure things would be okay, everything had righted itself. Even after the loss of Angel, Collin's greatest love, and Benny - the traitor - and the almost loss of Mimi, things were almost back to normal. After that fateful Christmas Eve where they almost lost Mimi, Roger had proposed, vowing to never let her go again. Mimi, for her part, gave up drugs and even checked herself into rehab. She got clean and had been that way for a year now. Roger had moved down to her loft to be with her all of the time, although he still gave Mark his portion of the rent for their old loft, just in case he ever needed a place to stay during a fight. Mark was glad to take the money in order to keep the loft - the only place he could truely call home.

Collins had passed on, oddly enough, on the same date as Angel. He became a victim to the common cold that his immune system could not fight. As sad as everyone was, they were at peace knowing that Collins was philosophizing with his Angel once again. Joanne had received a job offer in LA and jumped at the chance. Maureen followed her, vowing to be committed and looking forward to the chance to break into Hollywood.

Mark still thought of her on every Valentine's Day that he spent in the loft. He agonized over every little detail of that night. Even if he had moved on (or so he told himself), he could not seem to move on past the fact that on Valentine's Day, he had thought to _propose_ to her and she, in turn, had thought to inform him that she had been cheating on him. "What different concepts of a day!" he mused to himself.

The phone rang, startling him from his memories. "We screen," he said allowed to the empt loft.

"Speak!"

"Hello? Marky? Are you - stop screening!" Maureen's voice came floating out of the answering machine.

He quickly ran to pick it, stumbling over every object that seemed to jump into his way. "Mo?" he asked breathlessly when he'd finally grasped the prized object, hoping that she hadn't hung up yet.

"Marky? Hi! Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Oh, uh...yeah. Hi. How are you? Joanne? Why aren't you two...out?"

There was an awkward silence on the line. "Joanne left me two days ago," Maureen finally said, her voice cracking slightly.

"Oh, Mo..." Mark couldn't think of what to say. He'd never really relished in the fact that his ex had gone _lesbian_ to escape his clutches (so it seemed), but he knew how much Maureen adored Joanne and he could hear the hurt in her voice.

"No, no, it's fine. I was just calling to say...I miss you. Can I come home?"

"H-home? As in home to _me_?"

"Where else, silly?"

"Mo..." He paused. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why?" She sounded like such a small child, and so lost. His heart was breaking at the sound of her voice.

"...Would you mean it? If it happened? Please?"

She didn't answer.

"Because I need this now, more than I ever did. Really, Mo."

No answer.

"Mo?"

A pause, and then: "Mark, I don't know if this is exactly what I wanted." Another pause. "Maybe I shouldn't have called."

Her voice was like ice. He had to do something to save the conversation. "I'm sorry, Mo. I really am. I miss you, too. At the least...well, at the least can we stay friends? Like we were...before?"

"Friends?" She chuckled softly. "That's what Joanne said, too. Should never have started being friends with her. Look what happened."

"Maureen?"

"Yeah, Mark?"

"We can stay friends...right?"

She sighed. "Ain't that the way it always ends?" And then she hung up.

* * *

Thoughts? 


	3. 1996

**Title:** If You Don't

**Author:** Megg

**Feedback: **is always greatly appreciated.

**Pairing:** Mark/Maureen

**Rating:** PG/PG-13...Roger has a mouth...

**Genre:** General

**Summary:** "Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain"

**Notes:** Entry for speedrent...didn't win anything and is, honestly, not what I would call my best work. Split into 3 chapters (4 counting lyrics) for easier reading.

**Special Thanks:** Everyone!

**Spoilers:** Um...if you've never seen RENT, I wouldn't read this...

**Warnings:** Swearing, lovies. And I totally messed with the timeline of April's sucide and when Mark and Maureen called it quits, so if you're canonpurist, don't read!

**Disclaimer:** Alright, hate to admit it, but I don't own RENT, or Jimmy Eat World, from who I stole the song lyrics for dialogue and title...the song is "If You Don't, Don't" and you'd best download it now, it's amazing.

* * *

1996 - Valentine's Day 

Mark was sitting in the Life Cafe, chewing on his nails and slightly nervous. So much had changed in the past four years. Mimi had finally lost her strength in August of 1993, and Roger followed soon after. Benny had disappeared in 1994, after Alison divorced him. He'd gotten a commitment ceremony invitation from Joanne in 1995, before he'd moved to Chicago. The invitation was embossed with a name that was definitely _not_ Maureen's and penned in Joanne's curly writing at the bottom was, "I got sick of the Tango: Maureen. Had to jump ship. Sorry." He hadn't attended. Maureen called every once in awhile, but she never quite told him where she was. "Mysterious," she called it. "Hiding," he said.

He'd moved to LA in April of '95, after Today 4 You had really hit it big. His second documentary was based on the up and coming music scene that Chicago was. He figured Roger would approve. He'd lived in relative obscurity, concentrating on his work and living up to his "film-making potential" (his words), AKA, "hiding" (Roger's.) And then one night, two weeks ago, his phone had rung.

"Hello?

"Stopped screening, finally?" Maureen's voice floated through loud and clear.

"Hah, hard to do here. Answering machine broke in the move. How are you, I haven't heard from you in a good three months!"

"I'm...I'm back in Alphabet City." She sounded nervous.

"Really? What brings you back there?"

"Oh, memories...Hey, Mark?

"Yeah?"

"Would you be willing to come visit?"

And that was how he'd ended up here, in the Life Cafe in Alphabet City, sipping water and waiting for "The Drama Queen of Avenue A (formerly B)" to make her appearance. She waltzed in the door, late as usual, and smiled brightly at him. "Oh, I'm so glad you came!" she squealed, hugging him tightly. "We've got so much to catch up on!"

They sat and talked for hours, not nearly as rowdy as they had been in their early 20s. They caught up on what was new with the other and then reminisced til the owner kicked them out, well after midnight. She apologized for not being there when Mimi and Roger had died; he apologized for never trying to reach her on his own after what had happened with Joanne. They eventually made their way to the old loft and stood on the street, looking up at it.

"Can you believe we once lived there? Together?" she asked softly.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can," he answered. "Hard some days, but I can still remember."

"Mark?"

"Yeah, Mo?"

"I miss you."

He looked at her. "I miss you, too, Mo. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if..."

"If I had never cheated on you with Jo? Every day, pookie. Every day."

He cringed at the use of the word "Pookie", but couldn't keep his mouth shut. "Have you ever wanted to...try it again?"

She paused for a minute. Then she said, "More than once."

"Mo..."

He was looking at her with that look in his eyes. "Oh god," she thought. "He's going to ask me..."

"Could you mean this, please, if it happens?"

"I..."

"You what?"

"I took everything you let me have...and I never loved you back."

"That was years ago, Maureen. Someday, maybe...maybe someday we'll be smarter. Maybe someday is today."

"I...yes, I could mean it...wait...no, no I couldn't, I...I...Oh God..."

"Could you get your story straight?"

He looked so nervous and yet so angry, standing there in the moonlight. He just wanted an answer. Just one little word...yes or no...

_If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?_

The words ran through her mind out of nowhere, and Maureen swore she heard the mingled voices of Collins, Angel, Mimi, Roger, and April. Mark was so close to her...so close, so real, so there. So within her reach and yet so far out of it. Could she keep a hold on this, this safety, this warmth, this...love he was offering? She didn't know.

_If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?_

There were those words again.

"Mo?" Mark looked so puzzled, so worried. And so she said the only thing that she could think to say.

"I don't know." And then she kissed him.

* * *

Thoughts? (Lyrics follow this chapter) 


	4. Lyrics

**JIMMY EAT WORLD**  
If You Don't, Don't

What's wrong baby, don't they treat you like they should?  
Did you take 'em for it?  
Or every penny that you could?  
We once walked out on the beach and once, I almost touched your hand.  
Oh, how I dreamed to finally say such things, then only to pretend.

Don't you know I'm thinkin', (you know I'm thinking)  
Drivin' 405 past midnight.  
You know I miss you. (Don't you know that I miss you?)  
Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night.  
I would write to you from a museum mile, toast to you:  
Your whisper, your smile.  
Up the stairs at the Weatherford, a ghost each place I hide.

If you don't don't know, why would you say so?  
Would you mean this please if it happens?  
If you don't know, why would you say so?  
Won't you get your story straight.  
If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?  
'Cause I need this now more than I ever did.  
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.

I left you waiting (I know I left you waiting)  
At the least could we be friends?  
Should have never started (Never have started)  
Ain't that the way it always ends?  
On my life I'll try today, there's so much I've felt I should say, but  
Even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain.

If you don't don't know, why'd you say so?  
Would you mean this please if it happens?  
If you don't know, why would you say so?  
Won't you get your story straight?  
If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?  
'Cause I need this now more than I ever did.  
If you don't well, honey, then you don't.

So here we are now, a sip of wine, a sip of water.  
Someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter.  
And I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get  
And took everything you let me have and then, I never loved you back.

If you don't don't know, why would you say so?  
Would you mean the please if it happens?  
If you don't know, why would you say so?  
Won't you get your story straight?  
If you don't know, honey, won't you just say so?  
'Cause I need this now, yeah need this, need this.  
If you don't well, honey, then you don't

And if you don't well, honey, then you don't  
If you don't know, honey, honey, then you don't.


End file.
